.authored by something.of.substance.
(originally published 2/22/09 on WL + addendum added 3/8/09)
The horror of intimate partner violence, as demonstrated by celebrity music couple Rihanna and Chris Brown, is in no way glamorous. Or, so you’d think. Yet, teenagers interviewed by the Chicago Tribune not only supported Brown’s actions but started coming out as members of intimate partner violence themselves. Here’s the twist: they’re showing off the wounds they’re proud to have incurred in the name of “love”.
Not every teen interviewed by the paper condoned violence. Some called it “bogus” and others said violence is never allowed. These teens appear to be in the minority. As written in the February 20th article for the Tribune:
“…other teens insist violence is sometimes justified in relationships.
While young fans have plastered Rihanna’s MySpace page with notes of support, many comments on Brown’s page express delight at the possibility that he battered a woman.
Kriana Jackson, a sophomore at Sullivan, said it’s a sign of a broader culture of acceptance of abuse.
“There was a girl at school this week with a scratch on her eye,” Jackson said. “She was talking openly about her boyfriend hitting her, but she was smiling and saying it was funny.”
Young people carry these attitudes into adulthood, experts say, and young targets of dating violence are more likely to succumb to aggression in later relationships. …”
Google searches for “Rhianna and Chris Brown in love” are up. YouTube videos like “Chris Brown & Rihanna KISSING” have seen their views jump into the multi-millions in the past week. Comments are also rising accordingly. Surprisingly (or maybe not), public opinion is split two ways. Either intimate partner violence is seen as a “mistake”-
“god, EVERYONE makes mistakes. we’re not perfect. stop hating on chris and just imagine for a second, you’re in his position”
or indefensible-
“All men who hit women for any reason need to be eliminated period. Chris Brown you look like a woman beater.. I can see it in your eyes.. It’s sickening to see all these unreal affectionate pictures of these 2.. Don’t ever let a cute or pretty picture of a couple fool you. The handsome, talented man can hypnotize you with his fame and popularity, but is only good at putting on his act. In reality he mostly likely only has 3 brain cells..”.
What’s truly disturbing about this entire incident (actual violence aside) is that, as a society, we can’t seem to agree that violence and love aren’t the same thing! In a culture which increasingly emulates everything celebrity, is sanctioning intimate partner violence as a glamorous (and necessary) component of love, one small step away from celebrating it? Some teens, the purveyors of trends, certainly think so. And, if celebrating it is going to be trendy, does that mean encouraging it is merely one tabloid photography leek away?
1 in 7 women will encounter a sexual assault or intimate partner violence at some time in her life. If involved in teen dating intimate partner violence, she has a likelier chance of remodeling the same relationship as an adult. And, not just female teens are at risk; girls thin k its acceptable to inflict bodily harm upon their boyfriends just as same-sex couples are not immune from these types of statistics.
Perhaps we can use the celebu-fervor over the beating of Rihanna to enable a dialogue which doesn’t include “what she did to deserve it”. Teen attitudes are a product of their environments- both at home and at school. If their peers are egging on their bad behavior, their parents must do something to counteract it. Utilizing examples which resonate can be a jumping off point for starting a conversation.
Certainly, teens themselves can also take a stand. Everyone can. People can accept that, unless your life is in immediate danger and you need to defend yourself against death, VIOLENCE IS NEVER JUSTIFIED. No amount of nagging, yelling, accusing or cheating EVER warrants hitting, punching, biting, scratching, kicking, or the like. If celebrities with all their riches and fame aren’t immune, no one is. If it’s every person’s problem, we need to take this opportunity to make everyone part of the solution.
ADDENDUM: Since writing this piece, it has been rumored that beore the “fight” Rihanna threw Chris Brown’s phone, gave him herpes, called him names. The victim-blaming in this situation, then, has been intermixed with a different kind of victim-blaming: blaming Rihanna for not leaving. Everyone wants to know why she’d stay. Without going into the entire psychology of abuse cycles, I’d like to share that the public is just as much to blame for perpetuating the cycle of abuse in most relationships as the abuser themselves.
Specifically, in this instance, what makes me sick is that the same people for poo-poo Rhianna for not leaving are the ones blaming her for “causing” Chris Brown to hit her in the first place. Because staying comes down to a self-esteem issue which the abuser has worked on for, no doubt, a while before the full-scale physical abuse begins, it doesn’t help when the public at-large denigrates her self-worth further by accusing her of being the reason she was abused. That is probably what he has already said to her and so the public’s reinforcement of his reasoning only furthers her resolve to stay. He is found, by jury of public opinion, justified in his actions.
I just came back from the Vagina Monologues, so this is on my mind, for some reason. There are a lot of interesting things than can be said about this situation – an unfortunately common occurrence that happened to play out in the public eye. Simply the fact that it did occur begs our awareness of the larger problem, something that in most other cases would have been swept under the rug. Judging by the reactions of the children, it seems that people are, for some reason, compelled to draw a line in the sand when forming an opinion about this incident. They either seem to support Chris Brown, simultaneously rationalizing, apologizing, and excusing or support Rhianna, supporting, empathizing and speaking out in disgust.
I’m not sure why, but tonight this particular line is striking a cord. While it’s important that this topic has finally been bridged in the public consciousness, the usual reaction of “it’s never, ever, ever, ever OK…” is a somewhat short-sited distillation. More poignant than simply “don’t hit girls” is simply the overwhelming prevalence of violence within interpersonal relationships. More important still is America’s general attitude toward our communal mental health. Rather than asking “why did Chris Brown hit Rhianna?” why aren’t we asking “Why are people hitting each other at all?”. At the risk of drawing my own line, it may behoove us to considered that the situation (according to various reports) was seemingly elevated over a prolonged period. While that doesn’t excuse Brown’s ultimate resolution, it does provide us with a window into the true nature of the relationship.
The news reports allege that, after a period of argument, Rhianna allegedly threw Brown’s keys out the window. Brown then responded by physically assaulting her, the results of which have been well documented. When I hear kids angrily retorting that “she started it”, what I am hearing is that they understand, empathetically, l that Brown was angry and for whatever reason, THAT is the part of the story that they’ve chosen to connect with. They are frustrated, I suspect, because children are taught to mirror and role play and, seeing themselves in a similar situation, they are perhaps unsure of how they would or should react. And they should be frustrated – we’ve done little to provide them with a better answer. They’ve recognized that Rhianna’s actions were also a form of violence and that violence in relationships is never to be tolerated, regardless of the perpetrator. If the reverse had happened, for example, and it was Brown who did the key-throwing, we would have easily understood it as a precursor to a more vicious act. Undoubtedly, abusive males all over the world have frequently cut off their partner’s mode of transportation as a method of asserting further control. The “bigger, stronger” argument may be evidenced in the results, but it doesn’t preclude anyone from being acted upon themselves. While drawing our lines and casting our demons, we’ve failed to acknowledge that people in abusive relationships often teeter back and forth between the abuser and the abused. The kids, through the blessed innocence of youth, seem to be pointing this out.
Undoubtedly, we can all do better. That society has ignored the perils of Chris and Rhianna well into their twenties is a greater tragedy than anything that might have happened in the parking lot. Sure, we care when a pop-star’s battered face is shown on the news, but where were the EXTRA cameras when she was enduring the same fate as a child? Why aren’t we beating down the door of Chris Brown’s father’s and demanding to know why he taught his son that violence is an acceptable solution? There is so much more we can do to address this problem. I hope, at the very least, that the light we’ve shined on two unwilling and confused young persons can teach us all more about what we need to learn.