.authored by something.of.substance.
DISCLAIMER: This piece contains explicit language and descriptions for educational purposes.
Having detailed menstruation and discussed various birth control options, I never thought about explicitly addressing the topics of virginity…or sex. I figured the premise was fairly straight-forward: if you haven’t had sexual intercourse, you were a virgin. However, as former President Bill Clinton found, defining “sex” takes some finesse. Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines sex (n). as:
a) “sexually motivated phenomena or behavior and b) sexual intercourse.”
Sexual intercourse is then defined as:
“a) heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis. or
b) intercourse (as anal or oral intercourse) that does not involve penetration of the vagina by the penis.”
Obviously, both of these terms require some generation translation to further relate them to what’s taking place in the basements and cars of America lately.
Not-Quite-Sex
In an effort to gain some, ahem, hands-on experience or preserve the concept of virginity, many people have found alternate ways to still be sexual without having sex. However, depending on your personal “concept” of virginity, the not-quite-sex you’re having could, actually, be sex. The following activities are never, in any interpretation*, sex: hugging, massaging, hand holding, kissing, tongue kissing, breast fondling and over-the-clothes rubbing. Considering all the actions your imagination is feverishly conjuring, this was a short list. But, I can’t make the “absolutely-never-sex” list any longer because the next group of “not-quite-sex” activities starts creeping into the grey area of individual values and I’m not going to tell you what’s right or wrong for you.
There are those activities which aren’t physically sex, yet still have the term in their title because they are sexually-precocious behaviors: cyber sex (sex online), phone sex (sex over the phone) and text sex (sex via text message). Also, the connotations are the same whether you’ve found an anonymous “partner” or if the other person is someone you know. For anyone who has stumbled upon this article and is generally confounded by the idea of having sex “over” any kind of medium, remind yourself of those ads on TV late at night where “Candi” advertises her personal 1-900 playground complete with the first three minutes free! Typing or talking about your sexual inclinations, even step-by-step, is not innocent behavior. Not only does this generally lead to more advanced “not-quite-sex” moments and, eventually, sex, but detailing how you would act and re-act in such “real-life” situations opens you up to the emotional and mental repercussions of such candid chatter.
Solo masturbation- male or female- is not only healthy and normal, but not, in any way, sex. You can pleasure yourself daily, for years, and still be a virgin. Mutual masturbation, on the other hand, fits into the “not-quite-sex” category. If you and a friend- of either gender- watch each other masturbate, you are participating in sexualized behavior, but not having sex. This is a physically safe form of “sex” but is not without its emotional and mental entanglements. Conversely, if you and your friend decide to “masturbate” each other, then you’re participating in fingering, discussed below.
NOTE: I keep mentioning “emotional” or “mental” repercussions of certain actions without defining them better. I can’t. Everyone has different responses to different stimuli and I cannot tell you how you’d react during or after. Some people feel ashamed or embarrassed. Some people want it to be kept secret while others want to tell everyone they stumble upon. Others feel excited and want more or feel proud. Still others have a sense of relief over “getting it over with”. The point, however, is that if you’re not ready to find out how you will feel, don’t join in.
Then there is the infamous “Third Base”: digital sex. “Digital” is not the kind you watch on television when your parents have gone to bed- is also not-quite-sex. Digital sex, or fingering, involves a penetration of any digits (hand or foot) in someone else’s genitalia. This won’t strip you of your V-Card, but it opens you up to all kinds of other opportunities. The male equivalent of “being fingered” can either be anal penetration by digit or, culturally, the hand job. Hand jobs, however, are more a form of mutual masturbation- not-quite sex, yet definitely sexual behavior.
The Sex.
Now, let’s get down to business. Most importantly to note is that anything received or given in this category can lead to sexually-transmitted diseases. When mentioning the various types of real sex you may or may not be having, I don’t assume you’re heterosexual. Whether you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans-gendered, queer or straight, any form of orifice penetration can lead to STDs including HIV. Ever consider having gonorrhea in your throat? Fairly common. How about Anal warts? Those happen as well. So, if you’re having any of The Sex, whether you want to call yourself “pure” or not, keep it safe and always use condoms.
Oral sex is sex. This includes any gender combination of participants: if you put a penis or vagina in or on your mouth no matter if you have a penis or vagina, you are participating in oral sex. As teen movies such as “Clueless” and “Mean Girls” have hinted at, you can have oral sex and still call yourself “half a virgin” or a “technical virgin”. However, if you need to place a technicality next to your virginity status, you should probably err on the side of not being one. It’s kind of like saying that a car which has only been driven around the block a couple of times is “technically” new- it’s been tested out, but not all features have been used.
Most shockingly, I have discovered that there is a movement of high-school and college-age girls (and some boys) who don’t think anal sex is sex. So, instead of “losing” their virginity by the big penis-vagina meeting, they keep their Virgin status by having multiple anal sexual partners. Wow. Every time I hear about this phenomenon I have no doubt that Abstinence-Only sex education is failing. Miserably. Sure, you can’t get pregnant from anal sex. And, if you use a condom, you cut down your risk of STDs. And, if you are female and your hymen is intact (unlikely due to bike riding, horse-back riding, general roughhousing, cartwheels, fingering, etc) then anal sex won’t break it. But, there is no technicality riding with anal penetration: if you are inserting a penis in an anus or receiving a penis in your anus, you are having sex. Your exploits are also probably being talked about as this is the least societally-accepted of all these sexual behaviors.
Finally, and with little fanfare, if a penis and a vagina meet- even for a second- you’ve had, by any definition, sexual intercourse.
Does that make me…?
Sexuality and gender need their own article. However, I’d like to say that girls participating in any of these behaviors with other girls or boys having these experiences with other boys doesn’t necessarily mean you are homosexual. Only you know whether you are curious and “experimenting” with your sexuality or if the same gender is your clear preference for sexual and emotional relationships. Whichever the case, sexual behavior is still sexual behavior and carries with it all the feelings- homosexual or not- that everyone experiences. Also, how lesbians or gay men define “sex” without the clear benchmark of Penis Meets Vagina often depends on the individuals involved. That is why “sex” has such a broad definition. As you’ve read, there really is no clear definition of “sex” anymore but there is a clear point of no-return (to virginity).
*- there is, no doubt, some fundamental order who believe that kissing or hand holding are sins and, as a result, “sex”. If we adhere to the dictionary definition of “sexual intercourse” as well as the most conservative interpretation of what actually constitutes sex, 99% of people (including medical doctors) agree that that list does not depict sex.
I thought this text is refreshing – great work, keep it up!!!