.insecurity doesn’t happen in a vacuum. July 21, 2008

.authored by Something.of.Substance.

Let’s just cut the shit.

We are, all of us, insecure. We’re all looking for the same vital components to life: love, acceptance and validation. We are all searching for something to cling to that gives us these necessities: faith, intellect, drugs, food, pets, other human beings, all-consuming hobbies, our occupations. We define ourselves by what we do and how we interact, not by who we really are. We don’t want people to know who we really are because we think they’ll hurt us. We are insecure.

We all get hurt. We are all casualties of the media, of marketing, of an incline in junk news and a decline in intellectual critique, of each other, of ourselves. We all have meanness and pettiness and bitterness within us. None of us is above gossip or slander or judgment all of the time. We try to hurt others before they hurt us or expose how vulnerable we are to being hurt. We are insecure.

We all hide behind what we’ve constructed. We put on a show for everyone we meet whether we want to make them laugh, make them cry, make them need us, make them come back… We don’t trust anyone to love the parts of ourselves that we love, so we flaunt the parts of ourselves we don’t necessarily like. That way, when we are hurt or rejected or alone, we can blame it on those qualities we already believe to be slightly “off” and reassure ourselves that we’re still beautiful and lovable people. We are insecure.

None of us loves ourselves. Not completely, anyway. How can we? In a vacuum, we find ourselves amazing and unique and wonderful and gifted and good. In reality, everything we are exposed to daily tells us otherwise. We cannot love ourselves unless we are alone. However, alone is not part of the human condition. We, quite plainly, need others. We need their help, their guidance, their knowledge, their skills, their support. Most importantly, we need their love. And, we need to let them love us. We need reciprocal love because we are insecure and we need to know that we are not alone.

Now that we recognize that no one has the answer that eliminates insecurity and makes us, fundamentally and physiologically less needy, let’s figure out how to get what we really want and what we truly need. The first step is to take inventory of your life thus far and eradicate that which keeps us from doing the actual living critical to finding love. Let’s stop clinging to what’s not working, hating what’s in the past, anticipating what’s in our future, taking everything we can get, attacking everything that’s different, pointing out every insecurity, and revealing in other’s misfortune.
Instead, what if pretend we are all the same person? That we all love, we all hurt, we all are happy, angry, sad, bitter, or excited? That we all share the same emotions and emotional vulnerability at the core? That we are all insecure? That we all long to mean something to someone? That we all need each other?

How would the radical acceptance of everyone else as a person just as knowable and unknowable as us alter our perception of the world?

Being only human, we cannot do the impossible. We cannot get the best of people without them getting the better of us. Stop trying to hurt those that hurt you. Stop trying to fix things that are broken. If you continue to create a shitty world for others because you are only cultivating your worst qualities, you are only making a shitty world for yourself in return. We cannot change the past. We cannot know the future. All we have to work with is what we do today.
The solution, then, is to really consider who you are and what you need. Then, go out and open yourself up to it. Don’t hide. Don’t manipulate. Don’t blame, use, lie, cheat, or steal. Be honest with yourself that you are insecure, you want to be loved for who you are and that you need love. Accept that we all do. And, finally, know that if you don’t get in touch with your vulnerabilities and expose them- if you only ever continue to put on a “show” for others- you will never be loved for what you need.

Give others a chance to know you. I promise they’re just as frightened as you are.